Murderous Fanatics Can Have Bad Days
by LiteralBlue
Summary: Something's up with Hidan, multiple concussions occur and Tobi has a theory... Third chapter up! Leader is emotionally vulnerable, Itachi gets a look at the account books and Tobi still doesn't understand. Updated weekly, contains OCs, Tobicentric!
1. Peanut Butter

A/N Okay, the challenge was twofold: to write a oneshot with peanut butter in, and not to swear whilst doing so. I still managed to put Hidan in it!

* * *

"Hidan, do you want eggs?"

"Oh, up yours, lady." Konan blinked.

"Okay… raw, then."

Hidan said nothing, merely continued to sit at the table, face in his hands. He was wearing casual clothes for the first time in many years, and the Akatsuki were surprised to see that he did in fact own a shirt. It featured a hand making an obscene gesture, but at least his manly, manly chest was covered.

Konan put a raw egg in an egg-cup in front of him; she had drawn a smiley face on it. Hindan looked up half-heartedly before slumping again. The Akatsuki exchanged nervous glances, then Leader gestured Konan to him, whispered something and sent her away. She took Tobi, Deidara, Itachi and Sasori by the collars and dragged them out of the kitchen into the hall, then slid the door shut before rounding on them

"Okay, who did what?"

"What?"

"Hidan's been present for the whole of breakfast and I haven't heard a single profanity. It's so… weird. I assume it's one of you people."

"Why us?" Sasori asked, straightening his clothes.

"Because he wants you, Deidara, he hates you, Sasori, he's jealous of you, Itachi, and I like your perfume, Tobi. Nobody else except Leader could possibly bother him, so I blame you all. Leader says if I don't find out who's responsible he'll just pick a person at random to punish, and that means there's a one-in-twelve chance of it being me. So tell me what you did or I'll just pummel you all in advance."

They all looked blankly at each other, shaking their heads. "Um… well, he wasn't at dinner last night," Deidara said eventually.

"Actually he hasn't been himself since he got back from that last mission," Itachi said. "He's been very withdrawn, and he hasn't been eating much."

"Really? Why's that?"

"Oh, he seems quite depressed. Last night I'd say he was more worried and nervous, though."

"Is anyone else bugged by Itachi's becoming an emotionally sensitive woman?" Sasori asked. He was stared at for a moment, the Itachi absent-mindedly decked him.

"So it was probably something on the mission," he continued.

"What was the mission?"

"Standard assassination. Kakuzu's report said there was nothing unusual."

Deidara was incredulous. "You mean Leader actually _reads _those reports? I thought he just did it to torture us."

"Of course he reads them. He's not a _complete _bastard."

"Oh yes, he-" A plate came spinning through the door and smacked Deidara on the head. The blonde crumpled neatly down next to Sasori. Leader smirked through the hole in the door and returned to his morning comics.

"Itachi, what does-"

"Hang on." Itachi checked his watch. "Orochimaru'll be here in a minute. Hold on to that thought." He went off down the hall to put himself in plain view of a window. Konan shook her head. Orochimaru appeared in the garden every single morning at the same time and hurled a brick at the Uchiha. Itachi had at first simply avoided windows at this point, but Leader had become annoyed at Orochimaru's breaking into the hideout daily, and had ordered the Uchiha to make his choice; Itachi had chosen the daily bricking rather than Leader's Wrath.

Konan sighed and looked at Tobi. "So what are the facts?" she muttered, and then listed them. "He's been distracted and sad since his last - completely normal - mission, he's stopped swearing, and he's skipping meals and eating weird foods like peanut butter with jelly."

Tobi perked up suddenly. "Tobi has an idea."

"What is it?"

"Do you think…" Tobi leaned in close, and lowered his voice. "Maybe Hindan-senpai is pregnant?"


	2. The Ostrich

A/N The challenge continues. This week it was an ostrich. I wasn't going to continue this, but then I thought, why not?

* * *

There has been some debate as to the size of the Akatsuki Garden; in fact, great men have wasted their lives pondering it. Wars have been fought, battles lost and won, and yet we are still not sure about how big it is. Apparently it extended into the fields behind the house, and was large enough to contain a lake, forest and a hidden dimension out by the clearing.

But none of this is in any way relevant.

Tobi and Konan were walking through the well-tended menagerie outside Zetsu's greenhouse/ bedroom, where bushes cut lovingly into the shapes of animals almost completely diverted the attention from the rather large and angry-looking plants that snapped at you if you got too close. As she sat on a carved stone bench, Konan eyed up one of these plants; its leaves shifted into what she was certain was the floral equivalent of an obscene hand gesture. Covering her hand with her cloak, she returned the gesture, whilst Tobi sat beside her.

"Umm… why did Konan-senpai bring Tobi here?"

"Tobi…"

"Surely Hidan-senpai is more important? He could be pregnant!"

"Eh… yeah, it's about that, really." Konan sighed, and turned to face that innocent, innocent orange mask. "Tobi, has anyone ever explained to you… how babies are made?"

"Oh! Tobi knows!"

Konan's heart skipped a beat. "Really?"

"Yeah! Mommy and daddy pray real hard, and then a stork brings them a baby!"

"That's… umm… that's not…" _Oh, God, why me? _"That's not… strictly true…"

"Oh! But Tobi thought it was true! So what really happens?"

"Well…" Konan tried, but found she could not look him in the eye-hole. Instead, she addressed the leafy ostrich to her right. "Okay, you know how women are different to men?" Something in Tobi's eager nodding made her hesitate. "Can you explain it to me?"

"Well… Tobi knows that girls wear make-up except that so do some guys and, um, girls make better cooks and they can do laundry and clean and stuff but you mustn't force that role on them because if we do then they get mad and throw things at you. They have the right to chose, though I'm not sure what they have the right to choose, and Kakuzu says that's a bad thing. Umm… girls wear skirts more often than men and they usually have long hair like Tei-chan, and Hidan-senpai says they often have low morals and they deserve to be sacrificed. And, um, they're prettier than guys except maybe Deidara-senpai, and you have to give them lots of chocolates and flowers to make them be really happy… and they have boobies."

Konan blinked. Something in the final part of that answer was horribly, horribly wrong.

"Look, Tobi… you need a man _and_ a woman to get pregnant."

"Oh! So Hidan-senpai has a girlfriend who got him pregnant?"

"No, Tobi… only girls can get pregnant."

"How come?"

"Well… only girls have the right equipment."

"Maybe Hidan bought the equipment?"

Although Konan was not entirely willing to dismiss this possibility, Tobi's naïveté was a slightly more likely suspect. Slightly. She was certain that plant was laughing at her. She gave the ostrich an apologetic look, and continued carefully.

"Tobi… guys are _born _with some… body parts. And those are different to women's. And they're not… well, for guys they're detachable, but for girls you can't change it. Only girls are born able to have children, and they're stuck that way." _Damn, I'm good. Wait. He's looking confused. Why is he looking confused? This is bad. This is very bad. _"Tobi, do you understand me?"

"Umm… not really."

"Okay…" _deep breaths. Don't look at Tobi; you're not talking to Tobi. You're talking to the ostrich. Tell the ostrich all about the birds and the bees… wait, it is a bird! OH GOD! I'm explaining the bees! _Konan could feel confusion mounting inside her, panic threatening her mind. Calm. Calm… "Well, you see, Mr. Ostrich, what guys have is a… a key. And girls have a lock. And if the key goes in the lock then the door opens, and there's babies behind it."

"Ooh! Tobi thinks he understands!" _Thank God…_ Tobi was looking a lot happier now; how this was possible to tell behind a mask, we may never know. The Akatsuki were very good at reading body language. "So…"

All at once, there came a rustling; suddenly slipping into her S-class paranoid criminal ninja mode, Konan whipped out a kunai, but what fell out of the bushes was, in fact, a dishevelled, purple-haired young kunoichi with her clothes in disarray and her skin pale.

"Rei, there you are! Why weren't you at breakfast?"

"Oh, God, what a night…" Rei sat on Tobi's other side, massaging her temples. "I woke up in some cheap room above a bar in the next town, in bed with a stranger."

Konan beamed. "And _that_, Tobi, is how you get pregnant!"

"Hardly. This was a female stranger. She reminded me of Tei."

The awkward silence that followed was broken by Tobi, who smiled brightly and asked Rei, "Do you have a door with babies behind it?"

"Umm…" Rei looked across at Konan, who sighed. "Just say yes."

"Yes, Tobi, I have. So kind of you to notice. What's going on?"

Konan and Tobi looked at each other, then Tobi turned to Rei with an expression of utter seriousness, and spake thusly: "Well, Hidan-senpai has a key but there's no lock so he must have got somebody else to open the door for him and then he took a baby and now he's pregnant…" Tobi leaned in a little closer, whispering now. "And Tobi thinks Konan might be a bit crazy 'cause she was talking to an ostrich."

* * *

A/N They said an ostrich in 1,000 words... I give you an OSTRICH! In 997 words! Oh yeah, I'm awesome. Updated weekly (the next challenge will be next Thursday)

Peace, out


	3. Accounts

A/N Look, I got distracted by shiny things, okay? I'm back on target now. This time we had five challenges again... they were "kidding", "sports", "restored", "one" and "account". Where does Akatsuki get its money? Well... this isn't too close to the storyline, but then again, the storyline is an elusive little creature. In fact, some doubt it even exists. Like echidnas!

* * *

"What did you say? I'll KILL you!"

"Oi, oi! I was _kidding_!" Kisame raised his hands in an attempt to placate the furious Hidan, who was advancing across the kitchen at him. "I don't think you're a psycho fanatic freak! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? Hidan? Hidan!"

"HEY!" The potential death scene was interrupted by none other than the fierce Akatsuki Leader, who threw a rather large cannon ball at them. The origins of this cannon ball? We do not know. Quite possibly it was left there by the pirates who had come after the treasure in the bottom of the Hawktopus' pond. The fate of these pirates had been… unfortunate. The cannon ball narrowly missed Hidan's nose and smashed the priceless original 600-year-old portrait of a foreign queen that had been hanging on the wall, mildly irritating Kakuzu. Leader growled.

"If any of you ever – _ever_ – speak during my soap operas again, I'll rip out your livers and feed them to the Hawktopus!"

"I thought our punishments were spleen-themed?"

"I'm branching out!" Leader picked up another cannon ball. "Now _shut up_!"

"… I prefer the sport channels…" Hidan muttered, skulking from the lounge. Kisame shook his head slowly and followed. Leader leaned back, watching the beautiful actress on the giant TV screen struggling to resist the tall, dark actor's charms. It looked as tough she was yielding slowly, but he silently begged her not to, knowing all about his drug ring and the fate of his secret first wife, and hoped she would end up with the foreign one instead. They made a really cute couple. If only she would forgive him for that drunken kiss with the blonde hussy! He picked up a tissue, about to dab his eye, but froze at the sound of approaching voices, then quickly stuffed the Kleenex back between the sofa covers and restored his face to its customary evil. Sometimes the plot was just too much for him. He tried to look completely indifferent about the actress' internal anguish as Tobi burst into the room flanked by Konan and Itachi, who were frantically explaining at him.

"So you see, Tobi-"

"Once the egg has been released-"

"Fertilisation becomes possible-"

"And then once that happens-"

"You remember how that happens, right?"

"… No…" The confusion in Tobi's one eye-hole was more than Leader could bear; he was still in a state of emotional vulnerability from watching too much Fig. Tobi gave Itachi an apologetic look. Konan slapped her forehead.

"This is just too… impossible."

"Konan, may I ask exactly what you are trying to do?"

"Explain to Tobi why Hidan can't possibly be pregnant."

This made Leader hesitate. There was something odd going on here. "Why?"

"Well, I was trying to find out what was up with him this morning, and one thing led to another."

Leader shook his head slowly. "Tell me something, Konan. Do I run a criminal organisation, or do I run a day-care centre?"

"Well…"

"THIS IS NOT DAYCARE!" He grabbed the closest thing to hand – Kakuzu's two-inch thick account book – and hurled it with all his might at Konan, who ducked; Tobi moved his head out of the way at the perfect moment for an entirely unrelated reason, and Itachi caught the book a millimetre from his nose; it swung open with a foreboding creak.

Leader considered apologising, then remembered that this was not day-care, and forced himself to be thankful that at least two of his murdering cronies had demonstrated the appropriate reflexes. The other had been watching pretty birds outside the window, but no. Don't think about that. Go to your room and watch some more Fig. Get some ice cream on the way. All will be well again.

He muttered something to this effects and swept from the room, cloak billowing behind him and consequently getting caught in the door as he slammed it behind him. He slammed the door open again, glared at the gathered shinobi with a dark promise of what would happen if this were ever mentioned again, and slammed it closed again.

Konan shook her head, sighing. Itachi was about to put the book down when something in it caught his eye. He whipped out his reading glasses and sank down onto an armchair, practising some rust mental arithmetic.

"Hm? What's that?" He looked up at Konan.

"It's Kakuzu's accounts. There must be an error in it…"

"Kakuzu make a mistake? No way. To err is human, remember? A Kakuzu doesn't err."

"Yes, but this says more than half our funds go on coffee."

"… Your point?"

Itachi sat back and took of his glasses, a serious look on his face. "Either Kakuzu has made a dire mistake – and I do find that hard to believe – or each of the Akatsuki is consuming half their body weight in coffee daily."

"… Your point?"

Itachi shook his head. "That's more that our wages… who's paying for all this caffeine? And how come Leader hasn't thrown a hissy fit about it?"

"Because he spends about half that money on his own private ice cream stash. Leader may be a murderer, a psychopath, a thief, an assassin, a severely depressed young man, a cold-blooded madman control freak bent on world domination, but he is not a hypocrite."

"… Do we even _have _this much money?"

_

* * *

_

Elsewhere in the world…

"You… you got the money?"

"Yeah. You got the stuff?"

"Yeah… you got a cigarette?"

"Sure. Smoking's bad for you."

"Sorry. Look, you do know all this money goes straight into the Akatsuki funds, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"How come you're doing it, then?"

"Well… it's the look on his face when he sees them. It warms my heart. Even you must know that feeling."

"… I kick puppies recreationally."

"Oh yeah… I forgot."

Such was the way. A few brief words, and then they were parted; Kisame went one way with a huge case full of cash – most of which would be confiscated for Leader's totally-not-ice-cream fund, and the rest would probably be spent on caffeine. Kabuto went the other way with an armful of the finest, sharpest-edged, most hard, solid, dense, heavy and reliable bricks ever to be painted Fabulous Magenta. Alright, so he was practically funding his enemies, but in a roundabout way it rewarded him in the end. He would give the bricks to Orochimaru and they would end up going through the Akatsuki Kitchen Window and into the head of Itachi Uchiha, which always cheered Orochimaru-sama up. And a happy Orochimaru-sama was a less murderous Orochimaru-sama… sometimes he made cookies.

* * *

A/N Kabuto is a loyal and faithful servant... and Orochimaru happens to like Fabulous Magenta. Don't judge him for it. He also makes cookies...

Peace, out xx


End file.
